How to Pick the Best Attorney When Divorcing a Narcissist

Recognize Who You’re Dealing With 

First and foremost, knowing what you’re up against is imperative. You may not even realize you’re divorcing a narcissist—I didn’t. He blindsided me. 

When my ex-husband abruptly announced he wanted a divorce, he coldly stated: 

“I can pay to have someone do everything you do.” 

That sentence alone should have been a flashing neon sign, but by then, the emotional toll had set in, and I did not see anything but red.  

My ex-husband had spent years beating me down, telling me I was the problem—convincing me that I was difficult, incapable of being happy, and just like my mother, whom he labeled a bully. I internalized all of it. Even though deep down, I had a quiet voice telling me something was off, and I questioned my character and reality. That’s the hallmark of narcissistic abuse—slowly, methodically breaking down your self-worth so that by the time the relationship ends, you question your sanity.  

It’s crucial to understand that divorcing a narcissist is not like a typical divorce. It’s a high-stakes game where the rules of fairness and decency no longer apply. And that’s precisely why choosing the right attorney can make or break you. 

Expect Deception: Why Divorcing a Narcissist is so Challenging 

“The narcissist has an advanced degree in the art of deception.” 

Initially, they may act as if everything is amicable and fair, lulling you into a false sense of security. They’ll appear cooperative, making you believe the process will be smooth and civil. But as the divorce progresses, they start losing control and shape-shift. Suddenly, what began as a seemingly reasonable process turned into an all-out war. The narcissist will pull every dirty trick in the book—you may learn that they have been interviewing attorneys behind your back and blocking you out of firms. Preventing you from consultations by creating a conflict of interest, dragging out proceedings, hiding assets, smearing your name with family and friends, and using the legal system to wear you down emotionally and financially. It’s often too late to pivot or prepare when you realize how acrimonious things have become. 

The truth is you can’t predict the future. You’re not sitting in front of a crystal ball, able to foresee the coming chaos. And that’s precisely why you need an attorney ready for that shift before it happens. 

Qualities to Look for in an Attorney 

When divorcing a narcissist, you need more than just a competent lawyer. You need a strategic, emotionally intelligent, relentless advocate who understands the nuances of dealing with a high-conflict personality.  

Finding an attorney who checks all these boxes is no easy task.

1. Experience with High-Conflict Divorce Cases 

Not all family law attorneys are skilled enough to handle the complexities of a divorce with a narcissist. You need an attorney who has experience dealing with high-conflict personalities and understands the manipulative tactics a narcissist uses. From gaslighting and smear campaigns to hiding assets and dragging out litigation, your attorney should anticipate these moves and prepare to counter them effectively.  

2. Assertive, Not Passive 

A narcissist thrives on control and chaos. If your attorney is passive or hesitant, your ex will exploit that weakness. Look for a lawyer who is assertive, unafraid to push back, and knows how to maintain control in negotiations and courtrooms. 

3. Savvy About Financial Manipulation 

Narcissists are masters at manipulating financial records. Your attorney should be well-versed in forensic accounting and know when to bring experts to track hidden assets, shell companies, or undisclosed income. They should also be familiar with issuing subpoenas to obtain bank records and corporate documents—because voluntary disclosure rarely happens with a narcissist. 

4. Strong Litigation Skills 

While many divorces settle out of court, divorcing a narcissist means preparing for a fight. Your lawyer should have strong courtroom skills and be ready to litigate aggressively if necessary. Narcissists often refuse to negotiate in good faith, leaving litigation as the only option to protect your interests. 

5. Emotional Intelligence and Understanding  

Your attorney should not only be a legal expert but also understand the emotional toll this type of divorce takes. A lawyer with empathy and emotional intelligence will be better equipped to guide you through the process, keeping you grounded while helping you navigate the chaos. 

6. Clear Communication and Transparency 

Divorcing a narcissist is disorienting—you don’t need an attorney who adds to that confusion. Look for someone who is transparent about legal strategies, timelines, and costs. Clear communication will help you feel empowered and less in the dark during this difficult time.  

Don’t Overlook the Most Critical Detail: A Collection and Enforcement Mechanism 

Here’s a critical step many attorneys overlook—ensuring your final divorce decree has teeth, or maybe we should say fangs. 

When divorcing a narcissist, you must assume that they will not comply with the terms of the decree. It’s not a matter of if—it’s when. Narcissists feel entitled to do whatever they want, and they thrive on prolonging your pain. Your attorney must include a substantial collection and enforcement mechanism in your final decree. 

Why This Matters: My Painful Lesson 

In my case, my decree referenced a “judgment” multiple times throughout the document. I thought I was protected. But as soon as he defaulted, I only had a signed promissory note, not a judgment, leaving me helpless and unable to enforce anything. 

A promissory note is not the same as a judgment. It left me with no recourse. My ex was free to continue living a lavish lifestyle. He would withhold payments, routinely pay late, and often only send half payments with no warning, forcing me to inquire, giving him access to his supply like an all-you-can-eat buffet, a feeding frenzy full of threats and bullying. Here I am, nearly three years post-divorce, still his prisoner. 

What to Demand: 

·       Clear and Concise Judgment Language: Your decree must include explicit language that details precisely what happens if your ex-defaults or veers from the terms. 

·       Right to Enforce Judgment: Insist that the decree includes language granting you the right to enforce the judgment without delay.  

·       Automatic Triggers for Default: Your decree should state the consequences of non-compliance—wage garnishment, asset seizure, or additional penalties. 

If you believe the language in your decree is vague and possibly ineffective, stop everything and demand stronger language. The language that a judge can not misconstrue. Do not sign anything that leaves you exposed. A weak decree is an invitation for a narcissist to remain in control of your life after the divorce. A situation known as “POST-DIVORCE ABUSE.” 

The Reality: You May Need to Educate Your Attorney 

Here’s a difficult lesson I learned the hard way: even the best attorneys don’t always get it right. The law is the law, but when you’re dealing with a narcissist, there’s more than one way to skin a cat. Many attorneys, even experienced ones, may approach your case like any other divorce. But this isn’t a typical divorce. A narcissist doesn’t play fair, and if your attorney doesn’t recognize that, you’ll be left vulnerable. 

Attorney-client trust and rapport are key. You need an attorney who listens to you, values your input, and will adapt their approach when necessary. Because in the end, you will have to be your own strongest advocate. You may have to educate your attorney about the nuances of your ex’s behavior and the risks involved. 

And when they aren’t being aggressive enough or missing opportunities to protect your interests, you need to speak up. Don’t be afraid to push back, ask questions, and demand that they pursue a strategy that aligns with the reality of your situation  

If all else fails, do not hesitate to seek another attorney to represent you. After all, this is your future, which we are discussing, and it is on the line! You must protect it and fight for what is rightfully yours. Don’t ever forget that regardless of what your narcissist says, they genuinely believe that you don’t deserve anything.

DO NOT BE FOOLED!  

Trust Your Instincts  

Trust your gut. You know your ex better than anyone, and you’ll know when something doesn’t feel right. Choose an attorney who makes you feel empowered and protected—someone who has prepared for the coming storm. 

Divorcing a narcissist is not just about ending a marriage—it’s about reclaiming your freedom and your sense of self. With the right attorney, you can navigate this difficult journey and become stronger because of it. 

For more information visit www.foolednomore.org/resources