Build a Safety Plan
A safety plan is a personalized, practical plan for staying safer — whether you're still in the relationship, preparing to leave, or already out and dealing with an ex who won't disengage. You don't have to do this alone, and you don't have to do it all at once.
If you are still in the home
Identify a room with a door you can lock and a way out, in case of an emergency.
Agree on a code word with a trusted friend, neighbor, or family member that means "call for help" without needing to explain.
Keep a small "go bag" with essentials — ID, some cash, a spare phone or charger, medications, copies of key documents — somewhere accessible but not obviously staged. Know at least two ways out of your home and practice them.
Digital and phone safety
Assume shared devices, shared cloud accounts, and shared passwords may be monitored. Consider using a device your abuser has never had access to — a library computer, a trusted friend's phone — for anything related to leaving or seeking help.
Check your phone for location-sharing apps and settings you didn't turn on yourself.
If you use this website or search for related terms and are worried about being monitored, clear your browser history afterward or use a private/incognito window, and use the quick-exit button if you need to leave immediately.
Consider a password change plan for accounts your abuser has access to — done at a moment when you are physically safe, since a sudden lockout can itself trigger escalation.
If children are involved
Talk with age-appropriate honesty to children about having a safety plan of their own — who to call, where to go if they're home alone during an incident.
Start keeping a factual, dated log of concerning incidents, communications, and any violations of existing custody arrangements. Courts increasingly weigh documented patterns of coercive control, not just single incidents — see Find Legal Help.
Identify a school contact, if applicable, who should be told who is and isn't authorized to pick up your child.
If you are planning to leave
Leaving is statistically one of the most dangerous times in an abusive relationship — plan with that in mind, not to discourage you, but so you can plan for it. A shelter advocate or hotline counselor can help you think through timing (see Find a Shelter).
Gather copies of important documents ahead of time where possible: ID, financial records, lease or mortgage documents, custody orders. Store copies somewhere your abuser cannot access — a trusted friend, a lawyer, or a secure cloud account they don't know about.
Line up where you'll go, even if it's temporary, before you need it.
If you've already left, and they won't disengage
Post-separation abuse — continued harassment, legal harassment, or manipulation through children or mutual contacts after a relationship ends — is common and is still coercive control. It is documented and taken seriously by advocates and, increasingly, by courts.
Keep documenting. Patterns matter more than any single message.
A protective order may be appropriate — Find Legal Help can connect you with someone who can advise on this specific to your situation and state.
